Empathy - the greatest virtue?

Long time ago, in a small village somewhere in America, a farmer, who had several puppies in the house from a female dog, put up a 'Puppies for Sale' sign outside his house. The next day, a little boy knocked on his door.

When the farmer opened the door, the boy excitedly asked him about the puppies: “How much are they? I want to buy one of these cute little puppies.”

“They cost $50,” the farmer said.

The boy's face fell and with a dejected look, he asked, "Please, can I at least see them for a while for this much?” And, he pulled out a wrinkled $5 bill.

The farmer thought for a moment and said kindly, “That’s alright. There’s no charge for seeing the puppies.”

He took him to his yard, opened the door of the doghouse, and called out to a dog. Out came a beautiful female dog followed by six little puppies nearly rolling down the ramp as if they were balls of fur. They were trying to match the paces of their mother. They quickly made their way to the fence while another puppy, noticeably smaller and slower, emerged from the doghouse and limped his way to his mother.

“Can I buy that one, sir?” The boy pointed at the hobbling puppy. “I promise to pay you $5 every month for the next 10 months.”

The farmer knelt down and tried to explain to the boy, “Son, you don’t want that puppy. Unlike the other dogs, he will never be able to run and play with you like you expect.”

But the boy was sure about his choice and said, “This is the puppy I want, sir.” Then, he stepped back a little and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. A steel brace, attached to a custom shoe, ran down both sides of his leg. He then said, “Actually, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.”

The farmer was stunned. He told the boy, "Son, you can have the puppy. No charge!"

Why did the boy want that puppy? Because he could truly experience what that puppy was going through and would go through, since he was in the same 'boat'.

Whilst we all may not necessarily be able to have such a 'physical connection' to what someone else is experiencing, we have been bestowed with an extraordinary emotion ­— empathy. Simply put, empathy is a genuine effort to see the world from the perspective of the other person. It is as if you step into their shoes to see where exactly it’s hurting.

Empathy is often confused with a similar virtue, i.e. Sympathy. They are similar words but they are not the same.

The term 'Sympathy' was already in use in the English language in the 1500s while it was not before 1909 when 'Empathy' was first used. Sympathy is about showing 'care or concern', accompanied by a wish to see the other person better or happier. Empathy, on the other hand, is the ability to recognise and share the emotions of another person. It is vicarious and requires imagination, while sympathy doesn't. The sketch below captures the differences quite nicely:

Therefore, empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Instead of offering empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance ('sympathy') and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.

It is said: "Empathy is the greatest virtue. From it, all virtues flow. Without it, all virtues are an act." Empathy is indeed on the top, as from empathy comes true compassion and it is what makes us true human beings.

However, it is not easy to be empathetic. It does have to be a conscious choice, even if some people are inherently more empathetic than others. We all know some people who are naturally and consistently empathetic – these are the people who can easily forge positive connections with others. They are people who use empathy to engender trust and build bonds; they are catalysts who are able to create positive communities for the greater good. But even if empathy does not come naturally to some of us, I firmly believe that we can develop this capacity. It is because when you continue to practice a certain emotion as a conscious choice, soon it becomes your second nature.

Here are a few practical tips that can be helpful:

1. Listen – truly listen to people. Listen with your ears, eyes and heart. Pay attention to others’ body language, to their tone of voice, to the hidden emotions behind what they are saying to you, and to the context.


2. Don’t interrupt people. Don’t dismiss their concerns offhand. Don’t rush to give advice. Don’t change the subject. Allow people their moment.


3. Tune in to non-verbal communication. This is the way that people often communicate what they think or feel, even when their verbal communication says something quite different.


4. Practice the “93% rule”. We know from a famous study by Professor Emeritus, Albert Mehrabian of UCLA, when communicating about feelings and attitudes, words – the things we say – account for only 7% of the total message that people receive. The other 93% of the message that we communicate when we speak is contained in our tone of voice and body language. It’s important, then, to spend some time to understand how we come across when we communicate with others about our feelings and attitudes.

In the current times, we all need to be empathetic. It does go a long way in building beautiful relationships and truly uplifting both the receiver and the giver. So, let us strengthen that virtue within us as we move forward on this journey called life. Amen!

Strive for happiness, not worldly success

I had been thinking of writing something about this topic for several days now, but hadn't gotten around to it! Then yesterday, I received the shocking and extremely sad news about the sad demise of Sushant Singh Rajput.

This really got me thinking! How could a person who nominally had everything - success, fame, fan following, money, etc. etc. - commit suicide? And even more so when he had himself given such a strong message about this in the recent movie Chichhore, which I connected with a whole lot as it is set in an engineering school hostel? It just sounded unbelievable! And he was also a unique person in some sense! He was a National Physics Olympiad winner and got a good rank for the Delhi College of Engineering entrance which he gave up to pursue his more creative talents further.

We can never know what went wrong - may be there were underlying issues of depression, where he just did not see a way out and suicide was the only viable 'exit' in his mind, but we can of course never be sure!

Of course, one can talk about the fact that it is still 'taboo' to talk about mental disease, even in 2020, when in many cases having mental illness automatically means being 'lunatic'. It is indeed a sad state of affairs, which has been covered by several 'sane' and 'enlightened' people. So, I am not going to comment about it, but rather focus on another wider theme. One can also imagine that the situation caused by Covid-19, the uncertainty, the misery, etc. could not have been helpful and may have acted as the straw that broke the camel's back!

So, looking again at Sushant, one would imagine that he had all reasons to be happy, but looks like he did not see it that way! How could that be?

I am definitely not in a position to comment directly on what happened with a beloved movie star but want to bring forth some thoughts and opinions from my side.

It seems that apparently very bright and successful people can be quite prone to mental issues and depression. It is probably because they may be running after the wrong things, focusing on success rather than happiness. Also, your work, your success becomes your identity and when that 'falls', you fall straightaway!

Austen Heinz was a science geek who turned a radical idea—a scientific approach to laser-print DNA—into a successful company, Cambrian Genomics. A rising star in Silicon Valley, he was gaining media attention when the pressures of life started a downhill spiral that ultimately led to his suicide at 31 years old. His story is not unique!

It is easy to see that super successful (not just successful movie stars, but entrepreneurs, CEOs or other top level executives) have a tendency to go down this path. There could be several reasons for that:

• The competition is wearying - They are constantly comparing themselves to colleagues and other people in the field, measuring their self-worth by whoever seems to be more successful.
• Working all the time doesn’t allow them to focus on the simple things - They are consumed with their work 24/7, and even when they do sit down with their family, they may have a difficult time being 'present'. There is a significant disconnect from the simple things that give pleasure.
• They may feel detached from their former selves - If wealth or success happens suddenly, it can catapult them to a different kind of lifestyle, not necessarily one that is better suited for happiness.
• Privilege may make them less resilient - Sometimes when people have grown up with comfort and wealth, they don’t have the skills to weather difficult times. Often people who have struggled in their childhood years (like the class loser) develop habits that make them more resilient.
• The industry can tear them down - Certain industries like finance and technology or Bollywood for that matter - which tend to be fratty, boisterous, and young, not to mention extremely competitive - can contribute to depression, especially for the quiet, deep thinker.
• Their values may change over time - A certain emptiness sets in when you realize that you are achieving what you set out to achieve and yet you are still not happy. Sometimes when successful people reach an important milestone, depression is common because they are forced to reassess their values.

There could be one of these issues or multiple ones coming into play, but the key thing in my view is that we need to figure out what makes us happy. Bhagwad Gita says: "The Key to happiness is the Reduction of desires". May be that is one way of overcome the 'misery' and move towards happiness? A minimalistic lifestyle, just focusing on what you really need, not what you may think you want? I think the Covid-19 lock-down has taught us this lesson, and my good friend Shivani did write about this theme the other day.

But I think what might be really needed is true companions, true mates, true friends. This true friend could be anyone, a person who you can trust, a school mate, a college buddy, a work colleague, even a member of your family. A true friend is not one who repeatedly is telling you negative things other people say about you. First, they make it clear by their words and by their actions where they stand when it comes to you. Secondly, they don't just merely standby silently when others are tearing you down no matter what consequences they may face socially. A true friend is a friend when it is convenient and when it is not. They stand by you consistently both when you are present and when you are not. They're authentic and honest with you. True friends aren't phony with you. They show you who they really are. They're honest with you when it matters most. They never try to deceive you to make themselves seem stronger, more successful, or better than they really are. 

I saw a video recently which said that having true friends is the real strength, the real asset, the real money in the bank, the real measure of success, and hence happiness. When you are in trouble, true friendship will be your weapon. When you are 'lost', true friendship will act as your guide. When you are stuck in some kind of conspiracy, true friendship will act as your 'brain' to help you get out. When you are lonely, true friendship will act as 'motherly love' and be together with you. So earn friendship, not money. And if the desire to make and keep friends is your 'weakness', then you are actually the strongest person in the world. So may be this is what we should be striving for?

Time - the most precious gift that you can give someone

Some time ago, I pondered on a question: what is the most precious gift you can give to someone? I contemplated for a moment and the answer was obvious to me - it is not money, it is not some other possessions, it is actually your time!

However, I could not pinpoint the reason for this until I got a message which confirmed what I believed but also clarified why it is so. Time is the best gift you can give someone because when you give your time, you are giving a portion of your life that you will never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

What a profound thought! You can give someone money, but it does not make your 'poor' as it is possible to earn it again! But the time you give is 'gone' for ever, you will never live those seconds, those minutes of your life one more time. So, it has to be the most valuable 'thing' of yours that you can give. And it is free, even if it is priceless for sure!

This concept very much applies to the relationships we have in this world. It is not enough to just say relationships are important; we must prove it by investing time in them. Words alone are worthless. Our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action. Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is "T-I-M-E.”

Time is a very 'special' commodity. Harvey Mackay says, "You cannot own it, but you can use it. You cannot keep it, but you can spend it. And once you have 'lost' it, you can never get it back."

I know people would turn around and say that we just do not have time to give to someone who needs it, who would be happier, calmer, more relaxed, better because of it - that life is too busy! I think eventually it is a matter of prioritisation, or as Charles Brixton says, "You will never find time for anything. If you want time, you must make it." For I do think that if we can make someone happy, then that is the ultimate means to our own happiness.

It is not easy to give the gift of time as there are so many demands on it. So sometimes, one needs to pause and reflect on how it can be done. Here could be some steps to follow:

• Think of a person whom you care about. 
• What might you be able to do for this person that entails nothing more than the giving of your time? Certain acts of kindness entail gifts of money or goods, but, in this exercise, time is of the essence, as it were. 
• Plan a gift of time for this person and give it, whether it means doing something with them or something for them on your own. Spend as much time as needed to do the favor well and do not take any shortcuts. You might even consider taking off your watch or putting your smartphone away. 
• If you did something for them on your own, do not tell the recipient of your gift how much time you spent. Let the gift speak for itself.

So, let us spend our time wisely. For it is said: "There’s only one thing more precious than our time and that’s who we spend it on." Amen!