Life is about moving on, so forgive (and 'forget')
Everyone has probably heard the phrase 'forgive and forget' at some point, but honestly, it's pretty safe to say that it's easier said than done. What does it mean to forgive and forget? Does it mean you no longer have any built-up resentment towards someone who hurt you? Does it mean you can go on with your life without ever thinking again about what happened?
The brilliant Australian cartoonist Michael Leunig has a quote which says, “Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.”
Forgiveness, as a particular expression of love, is simple in principle but difficult when we are the ones who need to do the forgiving. None of us go through life without being wronged or betrayed at some level. As a result, we all need to learn about forgiveness for our relationships to prosper.
Forgiving and forgetting can be a difficult thing to do, but understanding what it really means is the first step to accomplishing forgiveness and moving on. When it feels like someone has wronged or betrayed you and done something that may seem unforgivable, it can be extra tricky to forgive and forget, but guess what? It is hard, yes, but possible all the same.
In most situations, it may be easier to forgive than to forget, though neither one is really a simple task. To forgive and forget means you've finally made peace with the offence that's occurred and have allowed yourself to move forward. To truly forgive means you understand the human condition and can accept that all humans possess both positive and negative qualities. This means to accept what has happened, move forward, and not hold a dangling carrot of resentment over someone’s head.
The reconciling of relationships through forgiveness must contain an element of remembering. Otherwise it is not true forgiveness; it is denial which does not triumph over evil. Desmond Tutu, in his book, No Future Without Forgiveness, says, “Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering – remembering and not using your right to hit back. It’s a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don’t want to repeat what happened.”
Furthermore, to truly be able to forgive someone, it's helpful to understand the difference between forgiving and forgetting, and how each can benefit you. The forgiveness aspect of this phrase signifies that you're willing to understand that all humans are imperfect and have moments of selfishness, vindictiveness, and cruelty. To 'forget' is an entirely different story. In truth, the offense is never fully forgotten. Emotional, physical, or economic cruelty doesn't get erased. And we do need to learn from what happened. However, we can give ourselves the personal freedom to liberate ourselves from the continual remembrance of the offense. By choosing not to dwell on whatever (or whoever) it is you're trying to forgive and forget, you allow yourself to fully move past it more easily. 'Forgive and Forget' should really be 'Forgive and Remember without pain'.
While you may prefer to withhold your forgiveness and not forget the offense — whether it be because you're still hurting or you're over it but don't care to make amends — it can actually do you more harm than good. Holding onto anger and resentment doesn't hurt the other person. It hurts us. Forgiving someone is a gift to yourself. It's a way to escape all the negative emotions you're feeling, because you're allowing yourself to let go. When we forgive, we no longer need to be imprisoned by the pain and anger of what has been done to us. The same goes for forgetting. Forgetting means we no longer torture ourselves by replaying the negative events of our lives.
It is said: "The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. And the first to forget is the happiest."
Think of the positives that come from moving on. When you begin to think of the personal benefits derived from forgiving and forgetting, the phrase takes on a much more empowering meaning. It may not change the past, but it gives us a chance for a better future. Amen to that!
The brilliant Australian cartoonist Michael Leunig has a quote which says, “Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.”
Forgiveness, as a particular expression of love, is simple in principle but difficult when we are the ones who need to do the forgiving. None of us go through life without being wronged or betrayed at some level. As a result, we all need to learn about forgiveness for our relationships to prosper.
Forgiving and forgetting can be a difficult thing to do, but understanding what it really means is the first step to accomplishing forgiveness and moving on. When it feels like someone has wronged or betrayed you and done something that may seem unforgivable, it can be extra tricky to forgive and forget, but guess what? It is hard, yes, but possible all the same.
In most situations, it may be easier to forgive than to forget, though neither one is really a simple task. To forgive and forget means you've finally made peace with the offence that's occurred and have allowed yourself to move forward. To truly forgive means you understand the human condition and can accept that all humans possess both positive and negative qualities. This means to accept what has happened, move forward, and not hold a dangling carrot of resentment over someone’s head.
The reconciling of relationships through forgiveness must contain an element of remembering. Otherwise it is not true forgiveness; it is denial which does not triumph over evil. Desmond Tutu, in his book, No Future Without Forgiveness, says, “Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering – remembering and not using your right to hit back. It’s a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don’t want to repeat what happened.”
Furthermore, to truly be able to forgive someone, it's helpful to understand the difference between forgiving and forgetting, and how each can benefit you. The forgiveness aspect of this phrase signifies that you're willing to understand that all humans are imperfect and have moments of selfishness, vindictiveness, and cruelty. To 'forget' is an entirely different story. In truth, the offense is never fully forgotten. Emotional, physical, or economic cruelty doesn't get erased. And we do need to learn from what happened. However, we can give ourselves the personal freedom to liberate ourselves from the continual remembrance of the offense. By choosing not to dwell on whatever (or whoever) it is you're trying to forgive and forget, you allow yourself to fully move past it more easily. 'Forgive and Forget' should really be 'Forgive and Remember without pain'.
While you may prefer to withhold your forgiveness and not forget the offense — whether it be because you're still hurting or you're over it but don't care to make amends — it can actually do you more harm than good. Holding onto anger and resentment doesn't hurt the other person. It hurts us. Forgiving someone is a gift to yourself. It's a way to escape all the negative emotions you're feeling, because you're allowing yourself to let go. When we forgive, we no longer need to be imprisoned by the pain and anger of what has been done to us. The same goes for forgetting. Forgetting means we no longer torture ourselves by replaying the negative events of our lives.
It is said: "The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. And the first to forget is the happiest."
Think of the positives that come from moving on. When you begin to think of the personal benefits derived from forgiving and forgetting, the phrase takes on a much more empowering meaning. It may not change the past, but it gives us a chance for a better future. Amen to that!
posted by Prankul Middha @ 11:28 pm
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